Three words can change your entire world.
“You have cancer.”
Suddenly, everything feels different. Your mind races. Your heart sinks. You have a million questions, but you may not even know which one to ask first.
What happens now? How serious is it? What treatment will I need? How will this affect my family? Am I going to be okay?
And while your doctor may be explaining the diagnosis, discussing next steps, and sharing important medical information, there’s a good chance you’re struggling to absorb any of it.
That’s exactly why I wanted to have this conversation with Dr. Tiffany Troso-Sandoval, my guest on this week’s episode of Living Ageless & Bold.
After spending 25 years as a medical oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, Dr. Troso-Sandoval now works as a cancer patient advocate. She’s also the author of Calming the Cancer Chaos, a book focused on helping patients navigate one of life’s most overwhelming experiences.
What I appreciated about our conversation was her understanding that a cancer diagnosis isn’t simply a medical event. It’s an emotional one, too.
And sometimes, the most important first step has nothing to do with treatment.
The First Thing to Do After a Cancer Diagnosis
I asked Dr. Troso-Sandoval a question that I imagine every newly diagnosed cancer patient wishes they had an answer to.
What’s the very first thing someone should do when a doctor tells them they have cancer?
Her answer was surprisingly simple.
“Take a deep breath.”
Not research every treatment on the internet. Not immediately start making decisions. Not try to figure out what the next six months will look like.
Just breathe.
And give yourself a moment to absorb what’s happening.
She explained that most people experience an immediate rush of emotions after hearing a cancer diagnosis. Fear, confusion, anger, disbelief, and countless questions can arrive all at once.
Your mind might jump from wondering whether the diagnosis is correct to imagining the worst possible outcome.
That’s an enormous amount to process.
Dr. Troso-Sandoval emphasized that it can take time before someone is emotionally ready to settle down and begin making a plan.
I think that’s an important message because we’re so accustomed to believing we need to take immediate action whenever something goes wrong.
But when it comes to a life-changing diagnosis, taking a moment to gather yourself isn’t wasting time. It’s recognizing that you’re human.
Of course, some medical situations require urgent decisions, and your care team should explain those timelines. But not every question needs to be answered in the first few minutes.
Why You May Not Remember What Your Doctor Says
One of the most eye-opening parts of our conversation was Dr. Troso-Sandoval’s observation about what happens inside the examination room.
She explained that much of the information doctors share during those first difficult conversations may not even make it home with the patient.
Think about that.
You could be sitting across from a highly trained medical professional who is carefully explaining your diagnosis, your options, and what happens next.
And by the time you get into your car, you may remember only fragments of the conversation.
It’s not because you weren’t paying attention.
It’s because you’re trying to process life-altering information while experiencing an extraordinary amount of emotion.
When you’re frightened or overwhelmed, understanding and remembering complicated medical details can become much harder.
Now imagine trying to recall unfamiliar terminology, test results, treatment options, medication names, and instructions after that appointment.
It’s a lot for anyone.
This is why Dr. Troso-Sandoval offers one practical recommendation that could make a meaningful difference.
Bring someone with you to your medical appointments.
Why You Shouldn’t Go to Important Cancer Appointments Alone
Having another person in the examination room isn’t just about emotional support.
It’s about having another set of ears.
Dr. Troso-Sandoval recommends bringing someone who can listen carefully and take notes while the doctor explains what’s happening.
That person might be your spouse, partner, adult child, sibling, close friend, or another trusted individual.
Someone who can remain focused on the details while you’re processing the emotions.
They can help record important information, remember questions you wanted to ask, and make sure you understand what happens next.
It’s also helpful to have someone you trust who can sit with you afterward and review what was discussed.
Imagine getting home and wondering whether the doctor said you needed another scan, a consultation with a specialist, or a particular test.
Instead of relying entirely on your memory, you have notes to refer to.
You also have someone who heard the conversation and can help you prepare for the next appointment.
For women who are used to being the caregivers, the organizers, and the people who keep everything running, accepting that kind of help can feel unfamiliar.
But this is one of those moments when allowing someone else to support you is incredibly important.
You don’t have to manage every detail alone.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Everything
One thing I found especially meaningful about Dr. Troso-Sandoval’s perspective was her acknowledgment of how complicated the emotional response to cancer can be.
There isn’t one correct way to react.
Some people cry immediately.
Others become quiet.
Some start asking questions and looking for information.
Others feel angry, numb, or completely overwhelmed.
And sometimes those feelings change from one hour to the next.
A person might feel relatively calm during the appointment and then become emotional later that evening.
Or they might spend the first few days focused on logistics before the reality of the diagnosis truly sinks in.
None of those reactions means someone is handling the situation incorrectly.
A cancer diagnosis can disrupt your sense of certainty about the future. It can change how you think about your health, your family, your work, and the plans you had for the coming months.
It’s understandable that processing all of that takes time.
I also think it’s important to resist the pressure to immediately become inspirational.
We hear so much about staying positive, being strong, and fighting cancer.
Those messages may be encouraging for some people, but they can also make patients feel as though they’re not allowed to be scared.
You can be hopeful and frightened at the same time.
You can be determined to move forward and still have moments when everything feels overwhelming.
And you can ask for help without giving up your independence.
Becoming Your Own Healthcare Advocate
A major theme of my conversation with Dr. Troso-Sandoval was the importance of patient advocacy.
That phrase can sound intimidating, especially if you’ve never had to navigate a complicated medical situation.
But advocating for yourself doesn’t mean challenging every recommendation or assuming your doctors don’t know what they’re doing.
It means being an active participant in your care.
It means asking questions when something isn’t clear.
It means understanding why a test is being ordered, what a treatment is intended to accomplish, and what choices may be available.
It also means recognizing that you have a right to understand the information being presented to you.
Medical professionals work with complex diagnoses and terminology every day.
Patients don’t.
Something that seems routine or straightforward to a specialist may be completely unfamiliar to someone hearing it for the first time.
And when that person is also dealing with fear and uncertainty, even basic information can become difficult to follow.
That’s why communication matters so much.
You should feel comfortable asking your doctor to explain something again, use simpler language, or write down the most important next steps.
You can also ask what information is known, what is still uncertain, and when additional answers may become available.
Being involved in your care doesn’t require becoming a medical expert overnight.
It starts with making sure you understand the decisions being made about your health.
Questions Worth Bringing to Your Next Appointment
One practical way to feel more prepared is to write down your questions before you arrive.
You may not need every question at every appointment, and the answers will depend on your particular diagnosis.
But having a written list can help keep the conversation focused.
Here are some questions patients may want to discuss with their oncology team:
- What type of cancer do I have, and what do we know about it so far?
- Are there additional tests needed before we understand the full diagnosis?
- What are the treatment options for my specific situation?
- What is the goal of the treatment you’re recommending?
- How soon do I need to make a decision?
- What side effects or changes to my daily life should I expect?
- Would it be appropriate to seek a second opinion?
- Who should I contact if I think of questions after this appointment?
- Can I receive a written summary of the diagnosis and next steps?
The goal isn’t to turn the appointment into an interrogation.
It’s to leave with a clearer understanding of what’s happening and what comes next.
And if you’re too overwhelmed to ask those questions yourself, that’s another reason to bring someone who can help.
Understanding Your Options Before Making Decisions
One of the hardest parts of navigating cancer can be the feeling that you need to make major decisions while you’re still trying to understand the diagnosis.
You may suddenly encounter unfamiliar terms, complicated treatment plans, and recommendations that have significant implications for your health and daily life.
It’s natural to want someone to tell you exactly what to do.
But understanding the reasoning behind a recommendation can help you participate more confidently in the decision-making process.
Ask your doctor to explain the potential benefits, risks, and alternatives of a proposed treatment.
Find out whether the recommendation depends on additional test results.
Ask which decisions are time-sensitive and which allow room for further discussion.
And remember that cancer is not one single disease with one universal treatment plan.
The right approach depends on many factors, including the specific cancer, its characteristics, the patient’s overall health, and the clinical circumstances.
What worked for a friend or family member may not be appropriate for someone else.
This is also why online stories, while sometimes comforting, should never replace individualized medical advice.
Hearing about someone else’s experience can make you feel less alone, but your treatment decisions need to be based on your own diagnosis and the guidance of qualified professionals.
Is It Okay to Get a Second Opinion?
Absolutely.
Seeking a second opinion is a reasonable part of making informed healthcare decisions, particularly when you’re facing a complex diagnosis or a major treatment decision.
It doesn’t automatically mean you distrust your doctor.
It may simply mean you want another specialist to review your diagnosis, test results, or proposed treatment plan.
Sometimes a second opinion confirms the original recommendation, which can provide reassurance.
In other cases, another specialist may identify additional options or suggest a different approach.
The important thing is to discuss timing with your medical team, especially when treatment needs to begin promptly.
You can ask whether a second opinion is appropriate, how to obtain your medical records, and whether a specialist or comprehensive cancer center would be helpful for your particular situation.
You can also ask your current physician to recommend someone.
A good healthcare conversation should leave room for questions, clarification, and informed decision-making.
Your health is too important for you to feel uncomfortable asking for more information.
The Role of Family and Friends During Cancer Treatment
A cancer diagnosis doesn’t affect only the person who receives it.
Partners, children, siblings, friends, and other loved ones may suddenly find themselves trying to understand medical information while managing their own emotions.
They want to help.
But they may not know what to say or do.
Sometimes the most valuable support is also the simplest.
Offer to attend an appointment.
Take notes.
Help organize paperwork or questions.
Provide a ride when needed.
Or simply sit with someone without feeling compelled to solve everything.
It’s tempting to reassure a loved one immediately or promise that everything will be fine.
But sometimes what they need most is someone willing to listen without minimizing how frightening the experience feels.
And while family members can be tremendous advocates, it’s important to respect the patient’s preferences and decisions.
Support should help the person feel more informed and empowered, not less in control.
That balance can be difficult, especially when everyone is worried.
But being present, listening carefully, and asking what kind of help is wanted can go a long way.
Why Clear Information Can Make a Difference
When you’re facing something as frightening as cancer, uncertainty can feel almost as overwhelming as the diagnosis itself.
You may not know what happens next week, next month, or next year.
You may be waiting for test results or trying to understand medical terminology you’ve never encountered before.
And while information can’t eliminate every uncertainty, it can help you identify the next decision in front of you.
Sometimes that’s all you need to focus on.
Not the entire treatment journey.
Not every possible outcome.
Just the next appointment, the next question, or the next conversation with your doctor.
This is one reason I appreciate the idea behind Calming the Cancer Chaos.
The title itself speaks to something so many patients and families experience: the feeling that everything has become complicated and overwhelming all at once.
Having reliable information, trusted medical professionals, and supportive people around you can help make that experience more manageable.
It doesn’t mean the journey will suddenly become easy.
It means you don’t have to navigate every unknown without guidance.
What This Conversation Reminded Me About Life After 50
On Living Ageless & Bold, we talk often about embracing new chapters, finding purpose, and taking ownership of our lives as we get older.
But aging boldly isn’t just about reinvention, travel, exciting adventures, or trying something new.
Sometimes it’s about navigating the difficult things we never expected.
By the time we reach our 50s and beyond, many of us have experienced serious health challenges, either personally or through someone we love.
We’ve sat in waiting rooms.
We’ve worried about test results.
We’ve helped parents, partners, or friends through complicated medical decisions.
And we’ve learned that even the strongest, most independent people sometimes need someone to lean on.
That’s why I believe conversations like this are so important.
We can’t always control the challenges that come our way.
But we can learn how to ask better questions, seek reliable information, and support one another through uncertainty.
And perhaps most importantly, we can remember that needing help doesn’t make us any less strong.
You Don’t Have to Figure Everything Out Today
If there’s one message I hope listeners take away from my conversation with Dr. Troso-Sandoval, it’s this:
You don’t have to understand everything the moment you hear a cancer diagnosis.
You don’t have to remember every word your doctor says.
You don’t have to know all the answers.
And you certainly don’t have to navigate the experience alone.
Take a breath.
Give yourself time to process what’s happening.
Bring someone you trust to your appointments.
Write down your questions.
Ask for explanations when you need them.
And make sure you understand your options as you work with your medical team to decide what comes next.
A cancer diagnosis can change your life in an instant, but that doesn’t mean every decision has to be made in that same instant.
Sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply focus on the next step.
And then the one after that.
Listen to My Conversation with Dr. Tiffany Troso-Sandoval
In this episode of Living Ageless & Bold, I sit down with Dr. Tiffany Troso-Sandoval, former Memorial Sloan Kettering oncologist, cancer patient advocate, and author of Calming the Cancer Chaos.
We discuss the emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis, why patients may struggle to absorb medical information, and the importance of understanding your care and advocating for yourself.
Whether you’re facing a diagnosis, supporting someone you love, or simply want to be better prepared for difficult medical conversations, I hope you’ll listen.
Watch her episode here:
https://studio.youtube.com/video/tj9SOdbEVOw/edit
If you know someone who could benefit from this conversation, please share it.
You never know when the right information, offered at the right moment, might make someone feel a little less alone.
Stay bold! 🩷
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