What if the real measure of success at this stage of life isn’t how much we can handle, but how much energy we have left to actually enjoy our lives?
That question stayed with me after my conversation with Jennifer Stanford, CEO, speaker and author of De-Stressed.
Because somewhere along the way, so many women became incredibly good at handling everything.
We built careers. Raised children. Managed households. Took care of parents. Supported spouses. Volunteered. Kept friendships going. Remembered birthdays. Planned holidays. Solved problems. Showed up when somebody needed us.
And then we wore our ability to juggle all of it like a badge of honor.
Jennifer believes it’s time to rethink that.
Her mission is to help women stop measuring their strength by how much stress they can tolerate and start protecting something much more valuable: their energy.
Our conversation on Living Ageless & Bold wasn’t about eliminating every stressful thing from our lives. That’s impossible.
It was about recognizing when stress has become our normal, understanding what might be draining us and realizing we have more control than we think.
And sometimes, changing our lives can start with something surprisingly small.
When Your Body Finally Says Enough
Jennifer didn’t become interested in stress because she thought it would make a good book topic.
She lived it.
For years, she pushed herself to be what she described as the best everything. The best mom. The best wife. The best CEO. The best friend. The best caregiver.
She was doing all the things so many of us have been conditioned to believe successful women are supposed to do.
Until her body essentially told her to sit down.
Jennifer hit a wall and ended up out of work and, as she described it, “out of life” for an entire month. Around that time, she had been working on a book and writing a chapter about stress. Suddenly she realized stress wasn’t just one chapter.
It was the thread running through everything.
That experience became the catalyst for De-Stressed and for the work she does now.
But what really struck me was that the warning signs had been there.
Jennifer had simply kept pushing through them.
The “When, Then” Trap
Jennifer described a mentality that I think a lot of women will recognize.
When this happens, then I’ll take care of myself.
When I get to vacation, then I’ll rest.
When the kids finish college, then I’ll rest.
When work slows down, then I’ll have more time.
When I get through this season, then I’ll focus on myself.
There is always another “when.”
Jennifer calls it the “when, then” mentality, and she realized she had been ignoring the signals her body was sending while continually moving rest and self-care further down the road.
The problem is that life doesn’t suddenly clear our calendars and announce, “Good news! You can focus on yourself now.”
Even when our children grow up, our responsibilities don’t necessarily disappear. They change.
Careers can become more demanding. Parents get older. Relationships change. Health issues arise. And many of us are trying to figure out who we are and what we want this next chapter to look like.
Waiting for life to become completely stress-free isn’t much of a plan.
Why Are We So Proud of Handling Everything?
Jennifer said something during our conversation that made me laugh because it was so accurate.
Women often feel as if we’re the “brand ambassador” for our family and our life.
We want everything to stay on brand.
Everyone is okay.
The family is okay.
The house is okay.
Work is okay.
We’re okay.
Even when we’re not.
Jennifer believes women can become so concerned with maintaining that image and taking care of everyone around them that we don’t give ourselves the same attention.
She decided to be open about getting help herself.
Jennifer has an emotional coach.
She already understood coaching. She had a running coach and a nutrition coach, and she coaches other people in business. Yet it hadn’t occurred to her that she might need someone to help her understand why she was carrying so much emotionally.
She still meets with her emotional coach every four to six weeks.
What changed wasn’t simply learning how to relax. She began asking herself why she felt responsible for carrying everyone else and why she wasn’t extending the same grace to herself.
That’s a much deeper question.
A Band-Aid Isn’t the Same as a Solution
Jennifer was also refreshingly candid about some of the ways she had dealt with stress.
During COVID, she joked that self-care meant getting on Zoom with her girlfriends and drinking wine.
But eventually she realized that wasn’t solving what was underneath the stress.
It was a Band-Aid.
I think that’s an important distinction because we hear the term “self-care” constantly.
But is what we’re doing actually restoring us?
Or are we temporarily distracting ourselves from what is draining us?
Jennifer’s approach is to look at ourselves as an entire system rather than trying to fix one isolated piece. She talks about our minds, emotions and bodies being interconnected, and about the importance of paying attention to the whole picture rather than assuming one healthy habit can compensate for everything else.
That means the answer isn’t necessarily “exercise more” or “sleep more” or “take a vacation.”
It’s looking at the whole picture.
Start With an Audit, Not an Overhaul
This was one of the most practical parts of our conversation.
If you’re reading this thinking, “Okay, now I have 25 more things I’m supposed to do,” don’t.
Jennifer specifically says not to try to change everything at once.
Instead, start with awareness.
She recommends spending about two weeks auditing your time and energy. Don’t immediately try to fix anything. Simply pay attention.
What are you doing?
Where is your time going?
Where is your energy going?
Write it down.
Jennifer suggested five minutes a day and an old-fashioned yellow pad and pencil works just fine.
I added something during our conversation that I think makes the exercise even more useful.
Next to each thing you’re doing, ask:
Does this bring me joy or does it drain me?
I work a lot. I will readily admit that. But I love what I’m doing. I could record podcasts all day. I love my television work. I love writing and the life I’ve created in my 50s.
Work can create pressure for me, but it also gives me enormous joy.
And that’s when Jennifer made another distinction I hadn’t really thought about.
Pressure and Stress Aren’t Always the Same Thing
Not everything that challenges us is bad.
Jennifer explained that pressure can motivate us. It can excite us, energize us and push us toward something we want.
The question is when that pressure crosses a threshold and becomes distress.
That’s another useful thing to add to your audit.
Is this something that challenges and energizes me?
Or has it crossed into something that is consistently depleting me?
And here’s the reality. We cannot simply eliminate every responsibility that drains us.
There are bills to pay. Jobs to do. People we love who need us. Many women over 50 are helping aging parents while still supporting adult children and managing their own careers and relationships.
Jennifer’s point isn’t that we can make every responsibility disappear.
Sometimes we can change the way we experience it.
Make Your Energy Non-Negotiable
Once Jennifer became more aware of her energy, she started protecting the habits that support it.
She prioritizes sleep. She drinks her water. She walks. She added strength training to her routine.
The key is that she doesn’t wait until she is depleted to start taking care of herself.
Those things are part of the system.
I shared something I do that has helped me tremendously. I walk every day, and when my schedule makes it impossible to walk first thing in the morning, I literally put my walk on my calendar.
It becomes an appointment.
Nobody else gets that time.
That’s a simple change, but sometimes the simple changes are the ones we can actually sustain.
Jennifer emphasized that same idea throughout our conversation. Start small.
Maybe the first week you simply pay attention to how much water you’re drinking.
Maybe you start walking to the mailbox.
Maybe you replace a few minutes of scrolling with three minutes outside listening to the sounds around you and breathing.
The goal isn’t a complete life overhaul by Monday morning.
Small actions can build into something bigger.
Add One Question to Your Gratitude Practice
Jennifer shared another idea I loved.
A lot of us have heard about gratitude journals, and she is a fan of gratitude too.
But she added another question:
What am I proud of today?
Think about how often women celebrate what everyone else accomplished.
We’re proud of our children.
We’re proud of our spouse.
We’re proud of our friends.
We’re grateful for our families, homes, careers and opportunities.
But how often do we stop at the end of the day and acknowledge something we did for ourselves?
Jennifer began adding that question to her evening gratitude practice. It gave her a way to recognize her own progress instead of automatically putting herself on the back burner.
It doesn’t have to be monumental.
I went for my walk.
I said no to something I didn’t want to do.
I asked for help.
I drank my water.
I made the appointment.
I took 20 minutes for myself.
I stopped working when I said I would.
Those things count.
Change “I Have To” Into “I Get To”
For me, one of the most powerful takeaways from the entire episode came when we talked about caring for aging parents.
Jennifer’s mother needs care, and Jennifer found herself carrying the guilt and responsibility that can come with that.
She noticed the language she was using:
I have to take care of my mom.
So she made one tiny change.
She put a sticky note on her mirror that said:
I get to talk to my mom today.
Have to became get to.
The responsibility hadn’t disappeared. The circumstances hadn’t magically changed.
But the story she was telling herself about it had.
Jennifer began looking for the positives in her family’s situation and asking what they could still enjoy together.
Words are powerful.
There are things in life we genuinely have to do, but how many things could feel different if we changed the language surrounding them?
I get to go for a walk.
I get to have dinner with my family.
I get to work on this project.
I get to call my mom.
One word can change the energy of the sentence.
And Then Ask, “Do I Have To?”
Jennifer took that idea one step further.
Sometimes the answer isn’t changing “have to” into “get to.”
Sometimes the answer is asking:
Do I actually have to do this at all?
Her emotional coach challenged her on that.
Did she really have to fix things for her husband?
Did she really have to do everything for her children?
Did she really have to control every situation?
When Jennifer looked honestly at some of those responsibilities, the answer was no.
Some things she got to do.
Some things she needed to do.
And some things she could simply stop doing.
For women who have spent decades being the person everyone relies on, that might be the hardest category to identify.
But imagine the energy we could reclaim if we did.
What Are You Saving Your Energy For?
This is ultimately why I think this conversation matters so much for women over 50.
We’re talking constantly about longevity and healthy aging. We want more years.
But I don’t just want more years.
I want the energy to enjoy them.
I want to travel. Work. Walk. Spend time with my family. Try new things. Keep learning. Keep creating. Keep saying yes to opportunities that excite me.
What’s the point of building an incredible next chapter if we’re too exhausted to enjoy it?
Jennifer’s message isn’t that we’re supposed to stop caring for other people. In fact, she believes taking care of ourselves allows us to give more to the people we love, not less.
She describes it like putting on your own oxygen mask first. When we take care of ourselves, we are better able to love and serve the people around us.
Maybe that’s the reframe we need.
Taking care of yourself isn’t stepping away from your life.
It’s protecting your ability to fully participate in it.
So take out that yellow pad.
For the next two weeks, pay attention.
What gives you energy?
What drains it?
What feels like exciting pressure, and what has crossed into distress?
What do you have to do?
What do you get to do?
And maybe most importantly, what are you still doing that you don’t need to do anymore?
You don’t have to change everything tomorrow.
Start with one thing.
Because perhaps the goal isn’t to prove how much stress we can handle.
Maybe the goal is to have enough energy left to truly enjoy everything that’s still ahead.
Jennifer Stanford’s book, De-Stressed, and more information about her work are available through her website, which she shares at the end of our conversation.
Listen to the full conversation with Jennifer on Living Ageless & Bold, available wherever you get your podcasts. And if you know a woman who is carrying too much and telling everyone she’s “fine,” please share this episode with her. It might be exactly what she needs to hear.
Watch her episode here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s7QtLGnhDk
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