When Grief Hurts Your Bones - Dr. Lynn Banis on Healing, Identity, and Rebuilding Life After Loss - Christina Daves

Grief doesn’t just affect the heart—it impacts the entire body. According to Dr. Lynn Banis, “Grief hurts your bones. You can feel it physically.” In this powerful episode of Living Ageless and Bold, host Christina Daves speaks with Dr. Banis about widowhood, loneliness, and the deeply human process of rediscovering joy after devastating loss.

A PhD in human behavior with decades of experience coaching corporate leaders, Dr. Banis never expected to face the emotional breakdown that followed losing her mother, brother, and husband in close succession. But it was through this pain that she developed Widows Rising Together, a program designed to help women grieve fully, reconnect with their identity, and create purposeful lives again.

This post dives deeper into her insights—how we can heal, how to support someone who’s grieving, and why it’s never too late to rewire your life after loss.

Grief Changes Everything—Including Your Identity

Dr. Banis explained that any major loss—whether it’s a spouse, a job, or even a home—can fracture your sense of self. For widows in particular, the identity shift is seismic.

“You’re no longer part of a couple,” she said. “And that changes how the world sees you—and how you see yourself.”

While she spent years coaching high-level executives on leadership transformation, Dr. Banis quickly realized that grief required a different kind of support. It’s not about changing who you are—it’s about figuring out who you are now.

Through her program, she helps women reevaluate their values, redesign their day-to-day environments, and rebuild their lives in alignment with their true selves—not the person shaped by society’s “shoulds.”

Why the Second Year of Grief Hits Harder

It’s common to think the first year after loss is the worst—the holidays without them, the anniversaries, the empty seat at the table. But Dr. Banis warns that year two can bring an unexpected emotional tsunami.

“The first year, you’re almost in shock. You’re going through the motions,” she explained. “The second year, it finally sinks in: this is real. They’re not coming back. This is your life now.”

Host Christina Daves echoed this sentiment, sharing her own family’s experience with her sister after losing a spouse. That deep sadness and sense of permanence is something few people talk about—but nearly everyone who grieves eventually feels.

Dr. Banis emphasized the importance of acknowledging this emotional reality rather than trying to rush through it. “Grief doesn’t follow a timeline,” she reminded us. “It unfolds differently for everyone, and we must be gentle with ourselves and others.”

Don’t Heal Alone: The Power of Connection in Grief

One of the most important lessons Dr. Banis shared is that healing happens through connection.

“We do not heal well alone,” she said. “We heal in community—with people who listen, who show up, who sit beside us even when there’s nothing to say.”

That’s why she created Wisdom Circles, small, intimate groups of five or six women where no one tries to fix each other. Instead, participants simply share what they’re going through and offer what worked for them. Dr. Banis calls it “being seen and heard without judgment,” something many grieving women say they rarely experience.

For those not ready for group work, she also offers 1:1 coaching to help women identify what’s blocking their healing, rewire negative thinking, and slowly build a new path forward.

“Beyond Casseroles”: What Grieving People Actually Need

One of the most compelling segments of the podcast was Dr. Banis’ candid critique of well-meaning but ineffective grief support.

“I wrote something called ‘Beyond Casseroles,’” she said. “Because yes, people bring food in the first two weeks—but what happens after that?”

She shared how, after her husband’s death, people dropped off multiple 9×11 dishes of lasagna and baked ziti—so much that she ended up giving them away to her kids.

More helpful ideas?

Small snacks like cheese, crackers, fruit, or pre-made smoothies
Gift cards for drive-through restaurants (widows rarely want to sit alone in a restaurant)
Widow groceries: small bags of nourishing, easy-to-prep food left on the porch
Cleaning up without asking: If you see dishes or laundry, help quietly
Just showing up: Sitting in silence can be the most powerful comfort

Most of all, she stressed that consistency matters. “After the funeral ends, people disappear,” she said. “But grief lingers. Keep calling. Keep texting. Keep showing up.”

Supporting Someone Who’s Grieving: What to Say (And Not Say)

Well-meaning friends and family often don’t know what to say—and sometimes say the worst possible things.

Dr. Banis shared a few phrases to avoid at all costs:

“They’re in a better place.”
“At least you had a good life together.”
“You’ll find someone else.”

Instead, she suggests phrases like:

“I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I’m here.”
“I’m not afraid of your tears. I can sit with you through them.”
“I just wanted to say I’m thinking about you today.”

And if you mess up? Apologize and ask what would help instead.

She encourages widows to gently educate their friends. Say things like, “It really helps when you call, even if I don’t feel like talking,” or “I’m not ready to go out to dinner, but I’d love if you dropped by with coffee.”

The Physical Toll of Grief: “It Hurt My Bones”

Grief isn’t just emotional—it can literally feel physical.

“I remember lying on the floor and thinking, ‘This pain is in my bones,’” Dr. Banis recalled. “I could feel it physically throughout my body.”

That kind of stress can lead to chronic fatigue, brain fog, and even autoimmune flare-ups. For Dr. Banis, pushing through her grief led to a physical collapse that left her incapacitated for three months. It was in that time of stillness that she finally processed her grief—and developed the foundation for her healing program.

Her advice? Don’t push. Don’t pretend you’re fine. Let your body rest. Let the grief come.

The Brain Science of Rewiring Grief

One of the most fascinating takeaways from Dr. Banis’ experience is the neurological impact of grief.

She explained that every time we replay painful thoughts—“This is horrible,” “I can’t go on,” “Why me?”—we deepen those neural pathways. Over time, the brain becomes conditioned to go straight to pain, even in moments of peace.

But the reverse is also true. With small, intentional steps—like saying, “Today I got out of bed, and that’s enough”—we can slowly begin to rewire the brain for resilience.

“It’s not about ignoring the pain,” she said. “It’s about creating balance—acknowledging the darkness and also allowing small rays of light to come in.”

Letting Go of Guilt and Shoulds

A recurring theme throughout the conversation was the burden women often carry in grief—not just their own emotions, but everyone else’s too.

“We have to stop carrying our kids’ pain,” Dr. Banis said. “Yes, be there for them. Yes, grieve with them. But you’re not responsible for their healing.”

She encourages women to let go of the “shoulds”—I should be stronger, I should be over it, I should focus on the kids—and instead, ask: What do I need today?

As she puts it: “This is your time to rediscover who you were really meant to be.”

Volunteering as a Bridge to Joy

While she’s cautious about rushing people through grief, Dr. Banis does see value in helping others—as long as it’s done with intention.

“When you help someone else, your brain releases serotonin,” she said. “So yes, volunteering can be a tool for healing.”

She encourages women to seek out opportunities that bring them joy or a sense of purpose—whether that’s volunteering at an animal shelter, mentoring others, or simply being there for a friend.

Her Program: Widows Rising Together

Dr. Banis’ program is designed as a multi-phase healing journey:

Wisdom Circles: Small support groups focused on sharing, not fixing
One-on-One Coaching: 12 weeks of deep, personalized mindset and identity work
Environmental Alignment: Identifying what surroundings and routines support your new life
Blueprint Building: Designing a vision and life plan rooted in your purpose
Mastermind Integration: Ongoing peer support for sustained transformation

“I don’t want anyone to walk through grief alone,” she said. “And I don’t want anyone to stop at just surviving. You can live with joy again.”

The Checklist Everyone Needs—Before It’s Too Late

One final offering Dr. Banis mentioned was a simple but powerful checklist she’s created for before a loss happens.

From knowing passwords and documents to having tough conversations about end-of-life wishes, it’s a resource she wishes more families had.

Her sister-in-law, for example, was left with no access to her husband’s computer or accounts after his death. It added even more stress to an already impossible time.

“Don’t wait,” she urges. “Talk about these things now, so you can grieve later without extra chaos.”

Final Thoughts: Grief as a Path to Growth

As the episode wrapped, both Christina and Dr. Banis reflected on how universal grief is—and yet how unprepared most of us are for it.

“We’re all going to go through this,” Christina said. “We’ll lose spouses, siblings, parents, friends. That’s life.”

But as Dr. Banis reminded us, it doesn’t have to break us forever. With the right tools, support, and mindset, we can come out the other side—not unchanged, but with a deeper sense of self.

“Grief will change you,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t live a life full of joy, connection, and purpose.”

Watch the full episode here: